Wow, what a whirlwind life has been lately. For the past few weeks I have had this lost feeling that left me with no motivation to do much of anything, let alone run or blog.
Let me start out by saying that I am very lucky. That was one thing I was reflecting on today. I have a wonderful family that loves me. I am also extremely lucky to have a man in my life that loves me so unselfishly and isn’t afraid to be a dork with me. He will disco dance in the Christmas strobe lights with me and wrap me up in a bear hug just because.In the past few days I have also found out that this man of mine will be strong when I am not, offer a shoulder to cry on when I need one and will say things I need to hear. I am also very lucky that I have not dealt with death many times in my life.
Aside from the normal lack of motivation that has been going on, I lost my aunt on Christmas day.
This loss was unexpected and made that day very difficult to get through. The toughest part about losing my aunt was that I didn’t feel I got to say a proper goodbye. While my family is mostly close, it has been around 3 years since I have seen my aunt in person and my memory is lacking on what our last encounter consisted of and what words were exchanged. I can only hope that when we parted that love was felt and exchanged and that the day we spent together was filled with happiness.
My response to her death has varied day to day. The day we found it it felt heavy and unbelievable.. The next two days life was a fog of disbelief and sadness.. Monday it finally seemed to hit me, that I would never see her again. I have this bracelet that was a gift a few years ago that is silver and has the quote, ” I Hope You Dance”, based on a song. Yesterday, this song came on the radio and I lost it. After feeling all day like everything, even breathing, took too much effort, this song felt like a shock to my system. It forced me to finally let go and cry, really cry, about everything that has happened and allowed me to feel what I needed to feel to kind-of move on in a way. When I got home I dug out that bracelet and slipped it onto my wrist. It serves as not only a way to remember my aunt but to remember the message she wanted to send me with this bracelet. That even if I am afraid or scared or unmotivated that I need push through and dance my way through life. It definitely takes more courage to stand up and “dance” than it takes to remain on the sidelines wishing you were present in that moment.
So here it is…My big goodbye to someone who attended my dance recitals and always ordered from the cheese and sausage fundraiser at school so I could win a cheap prize. To a woman who cheered every achievement I made and tolerated me trying on her jewelry over and over again as a kid. Aunt Joan, I love you. I hope that you are at peace and hopefully checking in on all of us now and again. You were and are so loved by all of us and you will be missed so much. You will remain in my heart as well as my thoughts…Until I see you again, I love you.
Thank you for allowing me to share this with you. I will be more present here, hopefully, dancing my way through life and sharing it with you!